Tai Chi Straight Sword Love


Journal Entry - Aug. 22, 2002

Does it make sense to miss somebody you barely even know? The boy - Jimmy, whom I thought I knew, but changed; even then I knew everything about him. He was the reason the girl had allowed the rift between us, the reason she had abandoned the friendship with the girl I love and adopted spiritually as my daughter - a reflection of myself. He knew me, at one point - everything about me. I believe at that time I meant something to him. He meant everything to me, and somehow still does, though I may share my heart with many at once. There was love, though I didnt' understand its extent back then. For the most part it was unspoken. Then, perhaps out of foolishness I spoke. And my words stepped too far, and he was still discovering things about me he didn't understand. He needed the space to comprehend, I wanted quick answers and felt I was losing time. He started to withdraw, but in his words hinted the desire for wanting to stay; he wanted me to keep him. But I replaced him with the dream of another love, one so nonexistent. I hurt when he withdrew completely, longing for at least the respect and friendship that was. I seemed to regain the time I thought I was losing, only to spend it reaching for him. He spent much time as a wanderer; only at the end did his smile return, but she hurt for it. By then he was my brother, and could understand why I needed to withdraw. But I hurt having to choose, having to lose again.

Then I had to leave, this time in person. The night I last saw everybody was the night I last saw him. We were at the banquet hall of his condo building. His words, his words - freer, more honest than for the longest time even toward me - like when we first met. I sensed it, so could she. She left with love in her words but bitterness in her embrace. And when the night closed for me, embraces were given around, his tightest embrace of them all, and his whisper of "I'll miss you so much," softest words he ever spoke to me, said everything.

I have left of him now, only few spoken words, walks in silence, and an embrace. He is not the one I barely know, but when I dream, I dream of different boys whom I wake up and recognise as the same boy I haven't met yet, and miss with all my heart. Perhaps its nothing strange, because when I miss him, I remember the boy - Jimmy.