Journal Entry - Mar. 4, 2002
Driving back home... The Christian music sounding out from the radio...struggled with understanding of a grown man born-again...I still struggle with trusting... I stared at out the window in front of me. Window...picture frame - humans with our narrow perspectives of the world. Ahead of me was the road. Rather, I should say street, it was by no means the "long road of life" that stood stretched out ahead of me some desolate desert of the Midwest. A typical city street with all the lights. But going up home in this city on a hill, the vastness of the sky before me becomes all the more evident. Polanco's words flash through me: The madness of the vast eternal sky... Vastness, the madness of this world, the ordered chaos in which we live. The chaos belonging to this world, this world that no longer belonged to Him, consumed with all the fiery antics of the underworld yet cunningly disguised as a heaven on earth to our easily tempted souls. My limited vision from within the car could only grasp a scrap of this madness, but I knew there was much more beyond me. I looked out the side at the deep blue and the shadows of the distance, so starkly contrasting to the reds, greens, yellows, and white of city and street lights...streetlife. My reflection in the window was the face of some girl wandering in a distant land feeling not lost nor found...only searching? Sparkled; my eyes sparkled with tears, not tears expressing some emotion that tended to well in one's eyes and roll down one's face. Simply - tears that came as if with a thought and stayed to light up one's eyes with a brightness that could only be compared to stars. Stars? How unsuitably romantic this thought was, in this yet starless sky. I knew I understood much and yet nothing at all. And I struggle, as well. Sometimes physically, yes sometimes even the violent spiritual/emotional/mental conflicts that go on within me and tumble my whole world once more. Yet sometimes I don't fight...I don't consciously try to resist...I simply struggled, on nights - even days - like these, when simply looking at the world outside the little enclosed space of my car presented to me some confusion. Confusion even within my safe haven with Him, because I knew nothing at all - not myself, not as much as He knew, hardly anything about him, the little wisdom of the world I had could not tell me anything of my confusion. And all I knew was that the protection I received from Him, seemingly insufficient to everyone else, was the only thing keeping me from falling...no, the only thing keeping.