Journal Entry - Dec. 28, 2002
I saw the stars tonight, Orion and what looked like the Little Dipper. I saw them amidst smog and dust and the roar of raging cars. And I saw cliffs - or rather, past them - to a horison of houses and lights. I thought of checking that program with the facts and activities I played when in seventh grade, to see if my memory still proved accurate. The program had a diary, and that diary was protected with the password of the boy I liked at the time.
I saw Brian tonight, this afternoon. And all thoughts calm, cool and crystallise in reverse into the past. The slow motion that allows my eyes enough time to shift, refocus, look, comprehend. One soulful kiss - give me one and take none from me. What I have now is the leftovers - unconsumed skepticism from the hurts of the old ages of youth. I signed my heart into contract but the bond was broken before even anything could be given. Help me that I know I would have signed my soul had it been mine to give.
I died at church today. Almost tears of joy from seeing Chris - fresh and joyful again as any freshman could possibly be - renewed and spirit found again. Instead I hugged my little brother to let him know he was welcome back into my heart again, though he'd never been sent away. Resparked were his eyes like new batteries in him, and the energy of his dance in me as I felt every aspect of praise shudder through me.
But, I felt the tingle begin in my face and creep its way into my hands and stomach. Breathtaking, but it returned to me in short rasps just as the cramp and numbness reached my stomach and I doubled over, not from pain, but unable to sit back up. Black for a flash and up I went and away into the night air. No, not my spirit, but my body carried into the office returned to the fetal position of fear and safety. Returned slowly to faces of Chris, Truman, my mommy, and the family.
Prayer request from a brother so dearly trusted but in whom I so dearly despaired. He'd given his body to the girl who already owned his heart. I don't doubt their love or his faith, but they were not yet given up to Him together - only 17. Confusion? So words in question passed on to other brothers and sisters whom I could trust. And loving, harsh words returned tonight to my brother.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
- Macbeth (Shakespeare)
Don't let the curse of his words or his name haunt more any of my darlings. I will protect them just as any mother/sister/daughter/friend can, and You will hear my words and support me, not because of my demand, but because You will it.
God bless, hugs and kisses.
Lots of Love,
><> Elizabeth <><