Journal Entry - Nov. 16, 2001
Recently things have suddenly started going downhill for me. For perhaps only a small moment in my life, but at the time it seemed like an eternity, I found myself struggling. For a simple struggle like this, everything was tested - my relationships, my health, and most importantly my faith.
It may be the biggest cliche in the history of humankind, but it is also the truest: One never knows what one has until it is gone. For all these things, my faith itself was tested. In the beginning I did not think there was anything I was meant to do, in order to keep my faith strong. None of the obstacles I came across, the trials and tests, seemed to relate directly with my faith. However I was wrong, because I let the things of this flesh get a hold of me, let depression and confusion descend upon me. I felt a strong sense of loss, because through this I felt I lost friends, family and the love and support that came with it. I had just been depending on them for so long that I did not think twice about what would happen if these supports were taken away from me. Instead of turning to God for help, however, I turned to myself, feeling that I was alone and without support. In my weakened and confused state I felt hopeless, because I knew I was unable to support myself. Before me flashed the images of all those I had depended upon and taken for granted, and I felt a terrible hopelessness come over me, at the thought of losing them, the same deep dark desperate hopelessness that had come over me before I was saved.
And for this, my own recession into my shell, I had pushed many away, many who had tried to help me, I had pushed them away because I refused to see that they could help, I only thought of myself and how when everything seemed to be collapsing, it seemed nobody could support me. I pushed away the only ones who cared enough to support me, and this was the price I paid for closing my eyes and refusing to see, pushing away all who still supported me. Most importantly, the One who had always been there and had never deserted me, whom I had been taking for granted. God showed me that he was there, but even as he lifted me up, I could see that I could not stand on my own. This was what God had wanted to show me.
I don't know whether God had put these tests here for me, or whether he only let them happen and used them to bring me closer to him. Even at this moment there are many situations that have not been fixed. And somehow it seems so insecure walking through this life, knowing there are still so many things I don't know, that I can't fix. I guess, God is showing me that I can't know everything, that I have to leave my past way of life behind, because now that I am in Him, I just have to trust him and have faith that I do not have to worry and he will sort things out for me. He showed me, that I do not only come to worship him when everything is fine, and when I am standing in complete security, but because of my insecurity and dependency, I worship him all the more.
Now I can't say that I am fine, that I have complete confidence in myself. I do, however, have faith in God, not that everything will work out the way I want, but that everything will work out the way He planned. There are still times, many more times it seems, since I have been saved, that I sit alone in my room, crying, or wondering about all these tests and trials, but it is no longer the same. Because when I cry, I no longer cry alone, when I ponder, I know that I am not asking empty questions into the air, there is always One that watches over me.